Tag: dating

To those who choose to date in their friend circle, here’s some personal advice…

During the last few months, I’ve decided to stop being a wimp and ask out the friends I’ve been interested in for a long time. But naturally I was very worried about ruining good friendships. However, I had many great experiences, going on dates with those guys, realizing there wasn’t a mutual spark, and still maintaining a solid friendship afterward. Granted, it’s still a bummer on both ends when there isn’t a spark. But neither of us can say, “What if…?” anymore.

But it really grinds my gears is when the expected drama ensues. So here’s some advice I had to learn the hard way.

Let’s say you’ve already been on a date with that friend, and you’re interested in a second one. Be prepared for them to not return that interest. In fact, they may not know how to turn you down, so they may choose to say nothing at all. They might go so far as to avoid you altogether. This is in no way your fault and you can focus your energy on someone who WILL care about you, even enough to say, “I think you’re great, but I just want to be friends.” Because you at least deserve that much.

But keep in mind, that person may come crawling back for another chance. Proceed with caution. If they rejected you the first time, quite often they come crawling back because they’re looking for temporary validation and believe you’ll care enough to give it to them. You are worth so much more than being someone’s second choice or after thought. Because usually, those people get over it very quickly, and will walk away from you again. Or during that time, they’ll want to keep it a secret from your mutual friends. They might go so far as alienate you from them so it won’t make them look bad. In this case, tell anyone you feel comfortable confiding in. You don’t want your friends turning on each other, which can be avoided by saying things like, “They’re horrible because they did this…” and perhaps replace it with, “I’m sad because this is what happened.” And to the friends who are listening, their hurt is very real and only want someone to listen. You might have information that will give them some peace of mind, and that they’ve been treated isn’t personal. Often, that’s what they need to hear.

Now if the circumstances are less dramatic and look a little more like this…here’s my advice to you. If the friend you asked on a date says yes, make sure you set up a date and time for when this will happen. If you say, “Let’s do something this week” there’s a chance that might not register fully. It might go so far as to finding out come Friday night, that friend was with someone else.

If that person WAS with someone else, do not say passive aggressive things like, “The party turned out to be lame. Hope you had fun with your date.” They’ll likely take it as a sincere wish, or understand your upset quickly defend themselves. In the later case, you could end up apologizing for getting irrationally upset. But the truth is, you’re feelings aren’t irrational. You’re upset because you had said, “Let’s do something this week” and they hadn’t been paying attention enough to make that mental note.

If you choose to say something about it, best case scenario, they’ll make an effort to set up a date with you. Worst case scenario, they change the subject and end the conversation right there. The last thing they want is for you to be upset with them, so they might hurry to reassure you, preventing your negative feelings from escalating, and just avoid it in the future.

That can often lead to another week going by and they’ve stopped acknowledging you altogether. By now you probably feel a bit gipped, and that’s warranted. You’ve likely seen how they’ve treated the people they’ve liked and made an effort to pursue. They took them to fun places, showed them genuine affection, and made them feel special. It’s very easy to start comparing yourself to them, which takes a heavy toll on how you value yourself.

But you might choose to give them the benefit of the doubt and give them more time. You even ask directly, “When are we going to go on that date?” and they say, “I’ll think of something.” But once again, if no solid plans are made, the way you value yourself diminishes a whole lot more. And so at this point, you have two solid choices. The first would be to let it go, because sometimes avoiding conflict is the best option. But if you choose to be honest about what’s been bothering you, here’s my advice to EVERYONE in this scenario.

Confrontation is scary. We sometimes enter it thinking we’re going to get an apology, or that person will immediately change and provide what you asked for in the first place. But most of the time, they will respond with their own prepared defense, and will do anything to avoid facing your anger and upset. It’s a very realistic and human response, which can’t be held against them. But if you find yourself with more anger than you know what to do with, say it! But of course, say it without the purpose of cutting them down.

Avoid, “You did this to me” or “You’re a terrible person because…” Instead, try, “I’m upset because this is what happened between us, and this is how it made me feel…” And if someone is upset with you, listen! Their hurt is very real and deserves to be acknowledged. They cared about you more deeply than you did them, and that isn’t going to go away over night. It may require some action on your part, but an apology goes a long way, and compromising has a great way of saving friendships and relationships. But more importantly, it lets that person you know you really DO value you them at a person; that you value them the way GOD values them.

And sometimes, relationships will end. People will choose to walk away altogether and there’s nothing left but to respect that decision. But at the very least, you did all that you could, and that person will move on a lot quicker than they would have holding a silent grudge.

To wrap things up, I think it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy and grateful for what I have, but being single has its set of lonely challenges. Many broken relationships, unwanted drama, and everything in between. It’s a bumpy ride, but at some point it’ll all be worth it. Until then, cheers to my fellow YSA’s who receive some peace of mind knowing I’m right there with you.

Cheers to you, XO


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Do the Creep

Today I’m posting a quick response to a good question brought up on Facebook. “Why are there so many creepers?” Well friends, here’s my answer…

Creepy has become a term that quite a few people use loosely. When some people, not all, but a hefty majority say, “I was out with this person, and they were super creepy.” It really means, “I’m just not attracted them, but I don’t want to come across as a hater, so I’m gonna blame it on them in the most vague way possible.” Or maybe… “I’m just not attracted to them, so I’m emphasizing little things that bother me to prove my point.”

Because let’s face it, no one wants to be labeled a hater, or be that person who points out flaws in others for no reason. But lately “creepy” has become a word that legitimizes the criticism of someone’s normal personality, but just didn’t quite meet a particular person’s standards.

Okay then…so they don’t meet your standards. That’s fine. It’s okay to have them. It’s okay to have certain desires and requirements. But “creepy” is preferably defined as any type of noun that makes a person uncomfortable or sometimes unsafe. But what’s uncomfortable or unsafe to you may actually be endearing to someone else. We live in a weird world where it’s okay to be expressive and some people roll with it differently.

So be very careful who you label as a creeper, because it could actually ruin a good person’s reputation. If you do start to feel unsafe; feeling threatened or insecure by someone, then it’s absolutely okay to make it known. You have intuition and you should use it. I address not one specific gender, by to all by saying get out that pepper spray.

But right now I’m talking about the genuine people who work very hard to lower their pride and gather as much confidence as possible to make a conversation with someone who is very hard to approach. Because good for them! They’re taking initiative and you should commend them for that. And commend yourself for being a person someone wants to get to know. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in you romantically. Basic social skills are required in start up situations.

But until they ask for your number, don’t assume they want it. And if they do for the romantic reasons, and you’re not interested, there are many responses you can give without figuratively kicking them in the dirt. Like, “Thank you for asking, but I’m not interested in you that way. But you’re great and I wish the best of luck to you.” And if they start putting you down for that type response, or continue to pressure you until you’re uncomfortable, then you may call them a creeper because that’s just crappy behavior.

If you aren’t straightforward, they might not take the hint. In fact they may take it as playing hard to get, which can actually make the situation worse. Neither of you need that kind of stress in your life.

At the same time, if a person accepts a date or gives you their number, proceed with caution. That person is considering getting to know you better. It doesn’t always mean, “I’m super into you and hope after the date is over, we start planning the rest of our lives.” A date is not a contract, so neither of you should act under that impression. If after the first date and they’re not interested…congratulations! At least they gave you a chance and it just didn’t work out. You don’t have to think, “What if?” anymore.

And if they don’t initiate conversations with you after that, it’s likely they’re putting their time and energy elsewhere. And please believe me when I say it isn’t worth it for you to keep a friendship alive when that happens. Unless they put the same amount of friendship effort as you do, they’ll start freaking out irrationally. And usually, not always, but usually the people who don’t know how to say, “I’m not interested” they think ignoring is the way to go. And to you people who think so, it’s not. Again, it’s just crappy behavior.

And to all you people who do get a polite rejection, please understand that those people might not have anything against you. It doesn’t mean that you’re unattractive to everyone. It just means they have a particular standard and know beforehand that a relationship isn’t going to work. That standard is sometimes brought up with a certain background, religion or chemistry that they already know won’t match up with yours. If those standards don’t meet, odds are you two won’t last very long. So please don’t wallow in that. You don’t have to be happy about it, but at least be content in knowing you probably avoided a catastrophe of some sort.

It’s also not worth it to wallow over the people who are just plain mean. Some people try to get your attention in rude ways. And some people enjoy rejecting others because it gives them a sense of power. And that’s because they both carry insecurities they’re still sorting through, and it isn’t your job to try and break down those barriers. They’ll start taking advantage of your willingness to receive that attention. It’s too much drama, and IT’S NOT WORTH IT. Trust me.

And sometimes those people probably experienced enough creepers in their lives where if anyone were to show interest in them, they start to shut down. Again, not your job to push past those barriers. Sometimes walking away is the best option regardless of good intentions. If it’s not received, it doesn’t work. But you did try, and that’s all that matters sometimes. And if you’re the one who has insecurities, don’t let it stop you from having a conversation. It’s okay to be cautious, but you might gain a real support system that will one day help you through it. I know it because it happened for me.

Now I know my advice doesn’t apply to all. You know yourself better than I do. I simply enjoy living in a world where everyone in a room can be friends.

So until next time…

Cheers to you, XO

~ Chelsea

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